Juri’s fingers always smelled like tobacco.
A slow puff emerged when his lips parted and smoke seeped through the thin crack of the hotel room window, reflecting the blinding neon pink from the signs outside. Juri waited, leaning against the edge of the sill until the door cracked open. He was hoping for a ruckus, an uproar, and his smirk fell into a subtle frown when instead he got control footsteps inching towards him. Firm, calm – for now.
The man found Juri standing by the window, soaked in the pink light. His lips were relaxed, an ember flickered between his fingertips. He approached from the side, and Juri didn’t even turn. Only the corners of his mouth did.
“Jesse.” As if he knew the sound of his footsteps. And that his intentions had been see-through.
A strong grip spun Juri, and in the face of Jesse, no matter how collected he had been, Jesse’s eyes always burned right through him when he was angry. Especially when he was angry.
Neon-tinted smoke parted from Juri’s lips, and the smoke smelled hazy in the dark room, sweet, then bitter. Jesse breathed it in, it smelled like Juri – but he wasn’t happy about it.
“We need to talk.” He finally said as he plucked the half-gone cigarette from Juri’s fingers.
But the other man wasn’t having any of it.
“After this smoke.” Juri replied softly, because the calmer he was the angrier Jesse became. He pried the stub from Jesse’s hand and he’d only get one whiff in before he’d permanently get it confiscated from him.
Jesse felt his brow twitch when he saw the smirk on Juri’s face, then he knew Juri was planning to be a dick about the whole thing.
He grabbed Juri’s wrist impulsively and his tight grip gave a sense of urgency that made Juri feel in control. He saw the veins in Jesse’s hand, the way he tried to restrain himself. The meaningless fight for the smoke ended when Juri watched Jesse turn the cigarette into a stub, pressed against his own skin. Red, angry swollen flesh on his palm. Juri froze.
“Now.”
His eyes dropped to Jesse’s burnt hand, but only for a second before he looked back up and tried to walk away. Juri knew what Jesse was here about. Maybe he’d even been happy about it. And this was him milking out the moment. Or maybe he was scared after what he’d done.
Juri wouldn’t get the chance to finish that thought because an arm trapped him from behind, then the other locked him in. Jesse’s forearm across his chest, his body to follow – pressed against Juri’s back. He hated how he felt when he fit into Jesse’s shape like a glove. He almost hoped Jesse wouldn’t feel the heat on his skin, the beating in his heart. How much his body wanted Jesse even in the face of every verbal defiance.
But Jesse could only focus on his own breathing; it was warm on the nape of Juri’s neck. His forehead lowered into Juri’s hair. He only coldly chuckled when he breathed it in, it was familiar in a terrible way. It also smelled like tobacco, then sweet like vanilla. It was too familiar, like he’d been here too many times.
Juri held his breath. Then, Jesse spoke. A hitch as he swallowed.
“Did you let him touch you?”
“What’s it matter to you?” Juri’s final act of defiance, even as Jesse had him by the throat.
“Answer me.” Low by his ear, the palm of his hand now slowly digging into the skin by his collarbone.
Juri thought he’d tell the truth. “I begged him to touch me.”
The silence grew heavy and he could almost feel Jesse’s jaw clench, the way he always did when he was upset. Juri never understood why Kochi stood so steadily between their relationship the way he did. He could not understand why Jesse allowed it, perpetuated it, and the hypocrite that it made him.
“He touched me, Jesse. In ways you wouldn’t. In ways –”
“Enough.”
“You asked for it.”
Jesse knew exactly what it was. His hand traveled down Juri’s arm from behind him, their breaths hitched in unison. Juri froze when he felt Jesse’s face buried in the nape of his neck, his hand made its way back up, looming over his neck until it tightened at the base. His soft breaths turned into deeper pants.
Kochi was the worst.
Jesse felt the muscles in his jaw tighten. Because Kochi never asked for anything. He never said no to anything. He hated Kochi for how steady he always was, but magnetic draw he felt — what if Juri felt it too?
“...Why?” The question breathed onto Juri’s skin. Warm, wet, sharp.
Juri didn’t even want Kochi. Jesse knew that better than anyone else. Not like how Juri wanted him, and yet the thought…Jesse knew Kochi’s touch, how good it can be. He wanted to ask, he couldn’t ask. Whether Juri liked it or not, was a question that never left his lips.
“I’d do it again.”
The wound on his palm hurt as he pressed it against Juri’s skin, but not any more than the things that he heard.
“Don’t say that.”
Juri pressed, as he raised his own hand to grab the wrist that Jesse held against the base of his neck.
“I’d do Kochi again…” He paused, “The same way you do him behind my back, the same way you will always pick him, over and over.” The resentment in the way Juri emphasized Jesse’s hypocrisy was cutting. Sharp like he intended to make him bleed for it.
He was stifled for words, his fingertips dug deep into the sides of Juri’s neck. Then nothing.
Jesse’s hand slid until it stopped mid-chest. Shaking, until he was left gripping Juri’s shirt. Not anger, but to steady himself.
“Stop…” He breathed, “Please.”
Juri didn’t expect the voice that came out. It squeezed his heart that rose up then free fell into nothing.
His voice lost the tension he’d been holding up, the hard violent front he tried to put up because he was scared. Because Jesse had always scared easier than anyone else, needed someone more than anyone else, and when he could turn the knife on someone else maybe it wouldn’t cut him. But he was too gentle for that. He burned too quickly, then slowly it tore into himself instead. Juri knew too well. He loved Jesse for it. Juri liked it so much when Jesse was torn because of him, especially when it was for him. Jesse’s pain made him ache in the best way. Made them special in the worst way.
“If it were up to you…” Juri finally said, “If it were up to you…you would only ever want Kochi.”
Then, Juri chuckled, cold. “If I didn’t throw myself at you, would you even look at me?”
The accusation bit. But Jesse’s face remained buried in the nape of his neck, his arms now loosely wrapped around Juri. Juri stood very still, with each exhale he resisted the urge to turn around and look at Jesse. Maybe he could push deeper, bury the knife more if he didn’t have to face the consequences of his actions.
Then Juri heard a quiet sniffle from behind him, a tired exhale and a voice that barely croaked.
“If I didn’t care, then why did I march all the way here to confront you?” Jesse slid to his knees, deflated, "I need you, too."
“I’m a greedy man, Juri. I know.” He cracked a broken smile, “I can’t help it.”
Juri finally turned. He found Jesse slumped on his knees, shoulders dropped, fists clenched until his knuckles turned white. He felt his stomach twist, it made him sick how satisfied it felt to deal Jesse his own kind of damage.
And then he saw it. The tears welled in his eyes, the raw red eyes that swelled with helplessness. It stripped him clean, all the deliberate cruelty to punish him gone in an instant. God, he wanted to so badly. He couldn’t.
Juri slowly fell to Jesse’s level. When their eyes met, all the years of history flooded back to him. The eyes that knew everything – good, bad, and ugly. Juri couldn’t bear the sight of Jesse crying. He never could, it was unfair.
“I haven’t forgotten.” Juri confessed, the sight of Jesse’s tears reminded him each time, “I’d never forget.”
Jesse looked at him. The same eyes that burned through him. The same eyes that now reminded him.
“That I’m nothing without you. I’d die–”
He didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence before Jesse pushed forward, his lips stealing the remainder of the sentence – the vow he’d heard a thousand times over. He didn’t need to hear it again, he only needed the taste of Juri on his lips in this instant. Each time Jesse would remember how Kochi touched Juri, he’d kiss Juri harder, he’d bruise his lips if he could.
Juri had no say in the matter, slowly pushed until he was straddled on Jesse’s lap with his back against the wall. Jesse’s kisses grew in waves – and it didn’t matter how much he pushed it down – he still always had that sinking feeling that Kochi lived between them. It was a bad idea, Juri knew well, but he couldn’t stop himself.
When he found a split moment, he chose to use that breath on that reminder.
“Kochi also–” Then Jesse shut him up, with a bite that ended up tasting like iron.
“Shut up.” His words were deposited right into Juri’s lips, as he grabbed both wrists and pinned them between Juri’s back and the wall.
Jesse slipped back after he made Juri kneel on the floor with his hands behind his back. His kisses trailed along the vein on his neck, hands stroking under his shirt that made the hair on his skin stand up. Juri closed his eyes slowly and then his jaw dropped in a low moan.
“Jes…Jes…Don’t you want to know?” His eyes remained closed until Jesse came back to his lips, index and thumb forced against the sides of his neck again.
“Know what?” Jesse had a bad feeling he didn’t want to ask. Yet he still did.
Juri swallowed, as he felt the pressure on the base of his neck while Jesse’s hot eyes studied every muscle in his face. He opened his eyes, it averted Jesse for a moment, “I liked it, you know. Kochi he –”
Jesse slammed against him into the wall, his eyes darted left and right until it landed just below Juri’s eyes, “I know what you’re doing.” His breath grew heavy again, “You’re lying.”
He didn’t let the pause grow, but instead just tilted Juri’s chin up to him, marked the skin under his chin, down his neck, sucking it so hard it left a print. Juri gasped as he did, a sharp inhale that he couldn’t help.
Jesse stopped for a moment, his face still on his neck, “You’re punishing me, I know that. I deserve it.”
His finger traced down Juri’s jaw, “Don’t fucking say Kochi’s name again.”
He took Juri’s silence for affirmation. And even though he knew it still made him sick in his stomach.
“But you.”
Jesse pulled his own shirt off, then his belt. It landed on the floor with a crack and Juri’s eyes landed on the belt.
“You can only want me.” Jesse knew he was wrong. It didn’t matter. Hypocrisy was a problem for when the sun came up.
Juri took Jesse’s words for a command as he crawled to the belt and picked it up.
He stood up, Jesse’s gaze followed him as he did. Belt in hand, his fingers gestured Jesse to do the same.
With Jesse towering over him, Juri teased Jesse with his fingers this time, circling, stroking his bare chest until he could hear the breathing grow shallow, his restraint shaking to break free.
“I wish…” Juri gently took Jesse’s wrists and held them together. He could see the red swollen print of the cigarette burn. Jesse looked to Juri for trust, and Juri smiled. He bound the wrists together with a smooth stroke of the belt.
Then Juri yanked Jesse to him, “I wish I wanted anyone else this badly.” Honest, quietly desperate.
I will do anything to keep you.
Jesse liked that answer. He leaned down and kissed Juri again, this time intently, gingerly, and softly hoping to savor his taste. Was it wrong that Jesse couldn’t overwrite the feeling Kochi gave him, no matter how hard he tried with Juri? Yet the absolute lack of guilt that he felt kissing Juri only made him try harder. And it must have felt like desire to Juri, like the only thing he ever wanted. It made Jesse a bad person.
With his hands bound together, the end of the belt in Juri’s hand, every time Jesse pushed with his lips, they backed closer to the bed until Juri found himself caged by Jesse toppling over him on the mattress.
Jesse’s gold necklace tangled onto Juri’s face and the metal was cold against his hot skin. Jesse closes the inches between them and even with his bound wrists above Juri’s head, a kiss lands on Juri’s forehead.
“What were you planning with this?” He’d never been the one to be tied. His question was only a whisper, curious and silently threatening.
Juri’s eyes met Jesse’s, cunning all of a sudden asking for forgiveness. He knew better.
“Wanting you to myself,” He replied, “The only way I know how.”
Then Jesse asked what had prematurely died on his lips earlier.
“I’m better than Kochi, right?”
His question was met with a pregnant silence, his brows furrowed in disappointment – challenged, and not entirely content with Juri’s response. Jesse was surprised, bitter with possessiveness, and he would stop at no lengths to get that definitive answer out of Juri now.
And he had no idea Juri had him exactly where he wanted.
“Untie me.” His head tilted, one brow raised for a brief second, “And I’ll show you.”
“No.”
Jesse cracked a smirk, leaning down and kissed Juri on the nose. Then, his lips. A bite that made Juri wince. Jesse was a biter when he was angry.
His eyes fluttered open as he watched Jesse sit up, knees on either side of him. Without breaking eye contact, he watched Jesse use his teeth to undo the belt, his head jerking the belt loop to the side until everything fell apart.
Juri smiled as Jesse immediately flipped him on his stomach, his face crushed against the silk sheets on the mattress. His heart ached as much as it fluttered. He hated what he had to do as much as where he was.
Because that was the secret, right?
Juri knew he was right – that Jesse only wanted him, so long as he was threatened by Kochi, whether it was jealousy or possession didn’t matter in the end.
A soft moan escaped in a jagged breath as he felt a pair of supple wet lip trail down his spine, and he’d have arched in pleasure had he not been ordered to stay still on his stomach. Juri felt his cheek burn even against the cold silk, his slack jaw gasped while Jesse’s wet fingers slipped in. He didn’t even remember when he lost his pants, just the air conditioning that kicked in and raised goosebumps against his bare skin.
When Jesse finally flipped Juri to face him, the man on the mattress threw his arm over his eyes realizing the mess he’d made of himself as Jesse teased him over and over. The wet mess Jesse made him feel. He demanded Juri say his name, again and again until it became a breathless syllable that fell off his tongue.
Jesse decided he wanted Juri’s defiant mouth afterall. He didn’t even plan to enter Juri despite the fingering. Jesse wanted his mouth, the one that wouldn’t tell him he was better than Kochi. And when he found a good angle, Juri gave it to him deep. Jesse felt his jaw clench, eyes hot with desire as he moved the strokes.
Juri finally looked up at him with teary eyes, “Jes…” He panted between strokes.
Jesse stopped.
“Please.”
But there was no room for begging – for mercy. Jesse only went deeper, until Juri’s eyes rolled back, and in the heat of the moment Jesse hadn’t even recognized himself. Jealousy made a man foreign even to himself, and Jesse fixated on making sure he was unforgettable to Juri. That’s all he wanted – was what he told himself, anyway.
He propped Juri up against the headboard when he finished, liquid dripping from the corner of his mouth.
Juri swallowed, between the breaths he didn’t have a chance to catch.
“Jes…”
But Jesse already moved on. His hand cupped the base of Juri’s swollen mass. He shivered with pleasure when Jesse held it in his hand, one deep long stroke. When his back arched, the cum only slid down his neck. His head was thrown back in pleasure when Jesse gave it several deep, long strokes with his large hand.
“Who’s better?”
Juri gasped when he felt Jesse’s tongue on it, drawing circles where he knew was most sensitive.
Juri finally looked Jesse in the eye, with every ounce of honesty he had. He knew he was on the losing end of this game. He’d always been. But this was his white flag.
“I can’t fuck anyone else after you.” Juri panted, “You know that.”
Then he said it. “You’re better.”
Jesse smiled. And gave him the sweet release after keeping him on the edge for so long.
Juri should’ve known better to play games with Jesse, but when it came to Kochi – especially when it came to Kochi – Juri knew he could only stay, if he stayed between the two of them. The push and the pull kept him alive.
Who would love him otherwise? Juri genuinely believed that.
Juri never told Jesse how much being with Kochi scared him. He got a taste of a love that didn’t feel like being choked for air. It felt nice, and it was terrifying to him.
Juri would rather be addicted to Jesse.
God, that addiction made Juri feel so alive. Every breath could feel like pins and needles.
But Jesse made him feel alive. Just like he did now.